Positives and Negatives, Intensified
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. - Charles Dickens”
In Moscow, we frequently visited Suzdal, the 1,000 year old UNESCO World Heritage Site, and always brought out of town visitors for the weekend. The town is magical; the drive from Moscow in hellish traffic was nerve-wracking. Was the magic worth the stress? Absolutely.
The expat lifestyle is yin and yang, good and bad – just like ordinary life but much intensified. The lifestyle can be semi-nomadic, both freeing and exhilarating. But living outside your home country can lead to insularity and negativity.
Expats often find a richness of easy friendships and an active social life they could not easily replicate back home. But the lifestyle can sometimes lead to a piercing loneliness, away from familiar support networks.
Families and children may grow closer and have more fun together, but they may also fracture under the inevitable strain.
Successfully navigating a foreign country leads to a huge growth in self-confidence, but the stress may overload a person and exacerbate underlying weaknesses.
Yin and yang, good and bad. But let’s start with defining expat, then work our way through the positives and negatives.
Definition of Expat
“Scientists believe they have discovered the ‘wanderlust gene’, DRD4-7R, a variant of dopamine receptor present in only 20 percent of the population. Kate Lord Brown”
So is this yearning to live overseas inborn? What exactly is an expat? Is the yearning to work overseas merely an accident of birth?
“An expatriate (often shortened to expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country other than that of the person’s upbringing. The word comes from the Latin terms ex (‘out of’) and patria (‘country, fatherland’.”)
Related Terms
Some related terms all fit that definition but are heavily loaded with connotations, listed from most positive to negative.
Expat – chooses to live abroad (usually temporarily). Lifestyle choice, generally applied to high-status Westerners.
Migrant worker – moves from economic necessity and generally low-wage; required to return home.
Immigrant – plans to make a home; may/may not be able to assimilate.
Refugee/forced migrant/asylum seeker – flees danger or is desperate to improve situation.
Well, international school teachers are expats, with connotations of privilege and high-status. They are also likely to be white.
Foreigner Means Barbarian
The root of a sometimes troubled relationship between expats and locals is summarized in the term Barbarian. The word means “from an inferior and alien culture;” you are a foreigner to them and they to you. Humans have pretty much always divided themselves into us and the other.
The article cited here describes the famous 1968 Iowa classroom experiment that separated blue-eyed third graders from brown-eyed ones. "Eye color, hair color and skin color are caused by a chemical," Elliott went on, writing MELANIN on the blackboard. Melanin, she said, is what causes intelligence.” The exercise made a huge impact but the town has never forgiven the teacher.
Test yourself and see how many terms for foreigner you can come up with, then check against this list.
Unhappily, these terms mostly have negative connotations. The trick for you, as a newly arrived international school teacher, is to maintain an open mind and quit running unfair comparisons to back home.
Everyday Differences
“You’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Let’s begin with a short sample of cultural daily differences you may encounter.
Minor Differences
Metric measurement
Drivers on the wrong side of the road.
Dress more much more formal and modesty norms upside down.
Time expressed military-style (7pm = 1900.)
Attitude toward pets unfavorable.
Smoking permitted everywhere.
Crowd behavior more law-abiding or more chaotic.
Sense of time differs, meaning everyone may be very late.
Deeper Differences
Some cultural and political differences go deeper and are therefore less visible:
Bribery and corruption may be endemic and adherence to laws spotty.
Taboos and social mores may trip you up.
Structure of class, race, and money won’t be the same as at home.
Attitudes towards women and LGBTQ people may differ.
The point is not that things are better/worse. The point is that things are different, which is, after all, the reason you left home in the first place.
Worldview
“There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, “Morning, boys, how’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, “What the hell is water?” David Foster Wallace”
Culture is so deeply embedded in the psyche that most behaviors are unconscious. The danger lies in thinking that the values we grew up with are the best and only. Your expat journey should convince you otherwise.
For example, think about what makes an American an American:
Hard-working, ambitious, seems to be in a hurry
Independent and forward-looking, even restless
Values freedom of expression and gives opinions openly
Values money and financial success
You may have moved to a country where people sit at table four hours a day, nobody walks fast, and ambition is considered gauche. Now what?
You are not going to change the culture, so you’ll either have to adapt, hide out and bitch, or go back home. You may even discover that this foreign way of life is actually better in some ways than American. Imagine that.
Do Your Homework
So how do you avoid tripping yourself up on cultural differences? Knowledge is power so do your homework. Before you ever get off that plane, study up on cultural taboos, for a start.
I remember one instance in Thailand where a Baht note was about to blow away in a restaurant and a teacher put his foot on the bill to stop it. Whose picture is on the currency? The much-loved (former) king Bhumibol Adulyadej. It is actually illegal to dishonor the king, plus the bottom of the foot is considered especially filthy. The gasp of horror was palpable and frankly deserved. The teacher should have known better.
You want to be polite without doing something stupid; this link takes you to the Canadian government’s cheat sheet on Venezuelan cultural norms, as an example. Just because Americans would consider it rude to ask people their age does not mean that Vietnamese would be offended; quite the contrary, in fact.
Just remember that you’re not in Kansas anymore and that’s OK. Change is stimulating and refreshing. As often as not, another culture might do some things better than back home. Hold that thought.
Respect The Culture
“My way or the highway.”
Tourist vs. Resident
The original Ugly American. 1948 photo of a tourist to Cuba.
We all know it is perfectly acceptable for a tourist to wear Bermuda shorts and flip flops in public. But once you reside in a foreign country, expectations change; you must respect the culture. Remember the Ugly American? You don’t want to be one.
As an expat guest, begin by respecting the culture even if you don’t completely understand it or cannot accept some aspects. You have almost certainly been to Diversity Trainings. Well, here’s your chance to understand the true value of diversity.
America the Superpower
Also note that America’s place in the world, meaning power and respect, has declined, according to Tim Padgett in the magazine America. “The world…has less patience for the Ugly American today because the United States has less clout.” This is particularly so thanks to the recent administration and its foreign policy choices.
But don’t feel too bad, because this tendency toward isolationism and xenophobia runs like an infection through American history all the way back to the Know-Nothing Party of the 1840s.
Nothing new here. But living the expat lifestyle provides the best chance to avoid Ugly Americanism. Knowing and respecting a foreign culture is the best vaccine.
Follow Local Customs
You are a temporary guest, so mind your manners. Dress like a local, meaning to the level of modesty and formality typical for a professional person.
Follow local norms on sex, dating, and relationships. Is it OK to show physical affection? What about being openly gay?
Is drunkenness or drug use looked down on or pretty common? What about smoking? What are the obligations of friendship and how should you act if you are invited to a local’s home?
Three suggestions to avoid giving offense:
1. Do a bit of research, or come right out and ask what is acceptable.
2. Imagine a situation where a foreign visitor, maybe an exchange teacher in your home school, acted in a way perfectly acceptable at home (lighting up a cigarette in a faculty meeting.) What would you think? Or do?
3. Be discreet. If you can’t be good, be careful about sums it up.
Language
It is unlikely you will ever become fluent. However, learn to read the street signs and speak the basic pleasantries of greeting and doing business. Take a class, download a phrasebook, study online or hang out with the local staff at lunchtime to practice.
I remember a visiting family member in a Viennese grocery at the meat counter looking for help and hollering loudly in frustration, “Doesn’t anybody here speak English?” Well no, actually.
Whatever works for you, but don’t leave the country after two years without being able to say Good morning or Where is the toilet? or I’d like a large beer, please.
Class, Race, Women
Take a short quiz on culture and see how you would stack up as a resident instead of a tourist in your new country. Should you:
1. Try to bribe a police officer or other official if you get in a mess?
2. Tolerate openly racist jokes?
3. Ask how much money a person makes?
4. Use your honorific to get better service?
5. As a woman, feel comfortable traveling alone?
You will be forgiven a great deal because you are so obviously a foreigner, so therefore you do not need to compromise your values (#2) or take an unnecessary risk (#1 and #5). The remaining two items (#3 and #4) come down to local customs.
Friendship, Relationships, and Hospitality
Americans think of themselves as friendly, but “the newcomer who takes American friendliness at face value is often disappointed” notes a site devoted to new immigrants to the US. In many other cultures friendship and hospitality rise to another dimension and Americans are considered shallow and selfish.
In some cultures nobody goes out before 11 pm. In some cultures burping is perfectly fine. In some cultures women are asking for trouble if they wear shorts in public. Do your homework.
Matters of dating and sex can be a minefield, just as they are in your home country, actually. You meet someone and what you think are sparks fly. Now what?
My suggestion is to rely on local knowledge. Ask a long-time teacher or expat or come right out and ask a sympathetic member of the school staff. Better to avoid egregious mistakes.
How To Follow Local Customs
As always do some homework first. You are a guest in a foreign country and your mission is to interact sensitively to the culture and not be an Ugly American. How can you do this?
1. Read up beforehand. There are plenty of books and resources devoted to demystifying a country for the new expat. Just Google culture shock + your new country or check your library.
2. Check the State Department’s Travel pages.
3. Spend an hour reading expat blog posts from your future country. One example is Expats Blog, which rounds up blogs by country, most of them very personal.
4. Learn at least minimal language skills; go to language classes when you arrive. These days, software and the Internet will boost your skills in a hurry.
5. Work hard to master local convention and learn to just hang out away from tourists and TripAdvisor sites.
Household Help and School Staff
The Bright Side
One of the greatest blessings of working in an international school is household help. OMG – if things work out right, you may never need to scrub a toilet or do laundry again.
The reason is that generally, the pay disparity between a Western expat and a local is such that for a salary you can actually afford, the cleaner makes much more than she would on the local market.
Win-win. I knew teachers who had their boxer shorts and sheets ironed. Some considerations may run through your mind right now, however:
1. I feel guilty, like I’m taking unfair advantage of the power imbalance.
2. I’ve never had a cleaner before. Am I really that busy?
3. I don’t really feel comfortable having somebody underfoot and going through my things.
4. It’s too complicated and just one more thing to deal with.
Finding Good Household Help
Once you have decided you to hire a cleaner or nanny or driver, what are some strategies to find a good employee?
1. Best case, you will inherit a cleaner from the previous occupant of your teacher housing. Then this person has a track record and the motivation to keep an excellent job and do good work. Try to secure this in advance of even arriving in the country.
2. Ask around in the school, church, expat and embassy community, and maybe even post requests for recommendations.
3. Then interview interview interview. After all, you are giving this person free rein of your house and perhaps even care of your children.
4. Set up a trial period, paid, of course and see how things shake out.
5. Pay more than average and be respectful and appreciative. You are not a rajah, just a schoolteacher who appreciates the free time.
The Dark Side, Or At Least the Complicated Side
What if things go badly and the cleaner steals/constantly asks for loans/breaks things/doesn’t do a good job? This ISR thread pretty well sums it up.
Just like establishing classroom control, lay out expectations right up front to avoid messes. Get a translator if necessary. Decide in advance how to handle these issues for sure:
Theft – grounds for immediate dismissal.
Asking for loans and advances. Decide your policy and stick to it.
Undependability of any sort.
Poor performance – cleaning, kids not cared for, driver unsafe.
Incompatibility – refuses to do things as instructed.
So there you go. You may become so addicted to this lifestyle you’ll never be able to wash your own floors again. But before you settle into this lifestyle, prepare yourself next for the jolt which comes to pretty much all expats.
Culture Shock
“There is no vaccine;
you’re going to come down with it.
”
Please note the good news: people eventually recover from culture shock. But it’s called a shock for a reason. Millions of people have survived and become stronger, more resilient people afterwards. Culture shock progresses, typically, in four stages.
Honeymoon
Everything is new, exciting and fun. You will have vivid memories of these first few hours and days. You will be surrounded by lots of support, interesting new colleagues, a sense of purpose, and stimulation.
You’re living the dream. However, you will eventually hit a wall, as the honeymoon stage wears off, just like in a new marriage. This may take a month or maybe as long as six months.
2. Frustration (WTF)
One day a circumstance ___________(fill in the blank) suddenly seems overwhelming and you’re in Stage 2 of culture shock; you wonder why on earth you left home.
Okay. The signs are ALSO in English, but still.
You’re crammed up against a smelly Muscovite in the Metro or have an uncontrollable craving for Jiffy peanut butter or the school staff is conversing in Arabic and you’re sure they’re snickering at you, or puzzling out street signs is suddenly too wearing.
We will discuss coping strategies later in The Expat Bubble. But for now just watch for signs. You will possibly:
1. Be running a constant comparison to back home i.e. better than here.
2. Bitch openly and huddle with the like-minded whiners.
3. Stop going out adventuring and exploring.
4. Cry/drink or eat too much/sleep much less or more than usual
And so forth.
3. Adjustment
Eventually this fever passes and you become more comfortable with differences. You learned new habits, how to navigate everyday business, made friends, beefed up your support network, and mastered enough language to get by.
In other words, things get easier. It’s always easy when you know how. That’s my motto.
4. Acceptance
One day awareness dawns that even though you will most likely never be a native, this once-unfamiliar culture is OK. It’s just different, not necessarily better or worse in every aspect.
Is the high-pressure, time-driven lifestyle in the USA a better way to live than maybe having workers be late and take their own sweet time? Maybe there is something to be said for a more relaxed approach.
At this point you will have stopped running constant comparisons and rankings; you accept this new life. After all, aren’t these differences why you moved overseas in the first place?
Options For Dealing With Culture Shock
1. Fail to deal with culture shock at all. Break contract and go home early or be miserable and then go home, never to work overseas again.
2. Go native and assimilate completely into a culture that feels unexpectedly congenial.
3. Pass through the WTF stage and finally adapt. Internalize the reality that cultures are not inherently better or worse, just different. Feel comfortable and grow.
Thrive Mentally and Physically
More about this in detail in subsequent posts, but here is the quick-and-dirty on settling in.
1. Create a homey environment for yourself.
2. Build your support network, hopefully including people you do not work with.
3. Take care of your physical health i.e. exercise, proper nutrition, sleep
4. Take care of your mental health i.e. reach out, beware of substance abuse, focus on the positive.
5. Engage in adventures and outings.
Congratulations! You are now an official expat. Welcome to the bubble.